One of the things I like about living here is the newspaper, and one of the things I like about the newspaper is the classifieds section. I mean, people sell the most fascinating things, from tropical fish to cars to “new in box exercise weights, purchased 2004″. The best Item For Sale I ever saw was:

WALLPAPER, modern print, 9m x 25cm, slightly used but in VGC. For sale at low price.

Last weekend I was flipping through the Khaleej Times’ classifieds when I came across something I had never seen before: matrimonial ads. These are classifieds that parents take out for their children, to help them find spouses. The average matrimonial ad looks like this:

DUBAI BASED Sunni Muslim Millionaire Punjabi parents seek proposals for their fair, beautiful, slim, European-educated daughter, age 29, from tall, fair, educated, successful, well-settled Sunni Muslim boys with good family background. All nationalities considered.

“Wow.” I said. “That is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard of.” I mean, really – your parents? Taking out a classified ad for a son-in-law?

Sweetie, who is from a culture where your family thinks nothing of finding you a suitable spouse if they feel you should be married, didn’t see anything strange about it. “Think about how much time you’d save.” he pointed out. “Plus you’d get to choose from candidates, which you can’t do if you have to date everyone you think might be a good match.” He put some more cheese on his dinner. “I bet you could do background checks as well. Like if you were hiring them.”

“I still think it’s strange.” I said. “Where’s the romance?”

“Can you imagine if our parents had taken out ads for us?” he said as we were clearing the table a few minutes later. “Mine would be, REQUIRED: Smart, educated, cute, extremely fair” (“HA! Bright white, prone to sunburn” I added) ”college student needed for handsome Samoan with great hair and successful future.”

“My parents wouldn’t advertise for me at all, unless it was a free-to-a-good-home kind of ad. Too much work, sorting through all those resumes. Then you have to pay for a wedding…”

We both looked at Henry, who was busy shovelling pasta into his mouth and ignoring us. His hands were covered in tomato sauce; a single slice of black olive dangled from one earlobe like a gypsy earring. “Oh yeah,” I said. “He’d be an easy sell.”

DUBAI-BASED EXPATRIATE SAMOAN/AMERICAN PARENTS seek proposals for their smart, creative, athletic, very handsome son, 2, Sesame-Street educated, currently working as Junior VP of Stuffed Animal Management. Applicants must be willing to share graham crackers.

“Sorry, kiddo,” I told him. “You’re on your own for this one.”